Neon sign of the Eiffel Tower in Prospect Heights, Brooklyn.

(I’ve been a bit distracted waiting for someone in NYC government to acknowledge and do something to clean up the statue of France’s Marquis de Lafayette in Prospect Park that was defaced after the horrible events in Paris. What happened to the statue seems an odd coincidence. I rarely accept coincidences. But onward…)

Since the Paris attacks last weekend, I’ve watched progressives and conservatives react. Both have filled me with tremendous disappointment as an American. My thoughts are likely to annoy those on the left and the right, so I’m clearly the voice of reason here.

Conservatives say the Paris attacks require us to close our borders, especially to Syrian immigrants. As the son of an immigrant myself, I would remind folks on the right that America is a nation of immigrants. Immigrants built this nation. And while today’s economy is far from robust, one of the few gems in American business is Apple Computer, founded by Steve Jobs, the son of a Syrian migrant. And I might add, today’s Syrian migrants are fleeing the loonies back home who attacked Paris. Welcome these migrants. Absolutely screen them to avoid any bad apples. Instruct them in our language and our culture. Help them become the best Americans they can be. We will all benefit from their participation in America’s future. Hell, an immigrant designed the Saturn V rocket that took us to the moon, and we scooped him up at the end of World War II when he was working for those bad guys. Stop with the anti-immigrant rants. You sound like a bunch of dicks.

Progressives absolutely refuse to acknowledge the pivotal role a particular religion plays in the motivations and activities of those who carried out the Paris attacks. Moreover, they insist that mentioning this religion will only incite more violence by radicalizing currently non-violent adherents of that faith. The Paris murders aren’t the first time this has happened. By now, when Americans hear news of a major violent incident where reporters go out of their way not to mention the name or anything about the perpetrators … we know it’s the Cthulhu people. You know, those crazy followers of H.P. Lovecraft who secretly yearn for the return of — almost got you, didn’t I? After reading a story about a priest and child molestation, people don’t assume all Catholic priests are involved. And they don’t go around advocating the burning of their churches or monitoring their communications. They support criminal prosecution of the molesters and the bishops and cardinals who enabled them or covered up their crimes. If we learned that specific local churches were clearinghouses for the exploitation of children, I hope we would close them permanently. Apply as needed to other faiths and other problems. Progressives need to acknowledge and deal with religious extremism, regardless of the religion involved. Don’t be naive pussies.

Conservatives go to the other extreme when dealing with the religion associated with the Paris attackers. They continually lambaste this faith as a backwards, violence-loving, ignorant ideology with barbaric practices against women, who despise science and progress, and which insists everyone worship their god, they way they say their god ought to be worshipped. Wait. Isn’t that modern red-state social conservatism? You can’t argue that religious fundamentalism abroad is a threat to America’s future when a different flavor of religious fundamentalism at home is your own political base. Not if you want to be taken seriously. Conservatives must embrace separation of church and state here in America before they can lecture other nations on the role of religion in society.

Progressives talk a lot about dialogue and building hospitals and schools in Middle East nations, and deep down, want to try hugging this out. Aside from the fact that Americans are among the most generous (as individuals and as a nation) people in the world, having fed and educated countless millions in recent decades, the bottom line with the Paris attackers and their brethren is this: we are unfortunately going to have to kill them. A lot of them. Some of them will be young boys. Others will be mothers. Or grandmothers. And they need killing, because they are sworn and dedicated to killing us with a fervor that cannot ever be extinguished. Deal with it. I don’t like it any better than you do, but there you go. You can’t have a dialogue with people who behead people and throw gays off rooftops.

Conservatives say the Paris attacks are why we need to let the government monitor and record all communications all across America, on the internet, by phone, and by smoke signal. All I want to know is: what color will the armbands be? I mean, if you’re going to effectively dissolve the nation of Jefferson and Adams and create a modern police state … let’s do it with style! Hire some cutting edge directors to film a batch of security-oriented public service spots that will put Leni Riefenstahl to shame. Get the boy scouts and girl scouts involved for that authentic Hitler Youth look. The post 9/11 security state is an affront to everything America stands for. And I would remind you that of the 19 hijackers who attacked our nation that day, exactly zero of them were American citizens. Conservatives are supposed to be against big government. Yet, they allowed Bush and Cheney to initiate the most far-reaching expanse of scary government power in two centuries — which they politely turned over to the party that actually likes government power when they left office in 2009.

Progressives bemoan the U.S. military presence in the Middle East, and suggest it caused the slaughter in Paris, as well as the 9/11 and other attacks. This has rapidly become a chicken-or-the-egg debate. I’ve always thought Obama’s biggest blunder was leading with health care reform. He ascended to the presidency with more political capital and popular support than anyone including Reagan and Franklin Roosevelt. He could have looked Americans right in the eye and told them he was investing a trillion dollars in developing space-based solar power satellites that would make American energy independent in twenty years. Instead, he pursued health care and a Bush-Lite approach to Guantanamo and the Middle East. which required the continued presence of American troops. Progressives have a kneejerk tendency to blame America. Sometimes they are right. But the obsession with national navel-gazing and self-deprecation on a global scale is hurtful to the cause of freedom and liberty when there is a group out there that wants to kill Americans and anyone who believes in freedom of speech or freedom of religion. Priorities, people.

Bottom line: Conservatives and Progressives both have their heads stuck where the sun doesn’t shine. And both are locked into an ongoing, 24/7 hatefest with each other. It’s damaging to our nation, and to be honest, it’s boring.

As a kid, one of my favorite Merrie Melodies cartoons was a series about Ralph the Wolf (a clone of Wile E. Coyote) and Sam the Sheepdog. Each episode followed Ralph’s sheep-abducting plans and Sam’s brutal response. The stories are built around the theme that Ralph and Sam are just two guys, doing their jobs. Individual episodes begin and end with both characters having a friendly chat while punching their time cards. One cartoon includes a lunch break where they lounge amiably together and enjoy the beautiful weather.

Before launching the next flamethrower broadside on their fellow Americans over terrorism or other important issues, Progressives and Conservatives should check out Ralph and Sam on YouTube. They might learn something. Ralph & Sam in A Sheep in the Deep